It's only sunshine because of the "SON" in sonshine.

The other day, while reading my scriptures and praying; I felt impressed to share a few points that are very dear to my heart. One, being my conversion story, the other being the struggles that I have CHOSEN to face through my conversion and where I am now.

May 18, 2013. Five days before my high school graduation. Five days before I would walk across the stage with the friends whom I loved, with others whom had come and gone from my life, and the few friends who knew about the next decision I had made, and been working towards for months. 

For months I kept hush about a choice I had made, what I had been doing, why I was changing, who I was becoming and I felt like a big liar. Looking back, I remember a boy whom I was good friends with, mention something about his mission that he was planning on serving, he then proceeded by asking if I was a Mormon, I remember my heart sink with fear, as I said “not exactly.” As I think about it now, I am unsure of why I was so embarrassed and so ashamed to admit it. But as he questioned what that meant, I avoided the question. I remember thinking “CJ. It means that in FIVE days, I will be a Mormon. In five days, my life will change, and at this very moment, I am unsure. I am very afraid of what is to come of this.” But I didn’t. I quietly walked away with tears in my eyes. 

When those precious boys, the very special boys showed up at my door, my heart was a little bit angry. Heck no, I did not want the elders. I requested sisters, and the missionaries in my doorway – long pants, white shirts, ties, name tags that read “Elder” and very short hair; not to mention those smiles. The smiles that could light up the entire world, or little did I know, would later come to light up my entire world. We made a deal, that one lesson was all, if I had one lesson with these elders, and I still wanted sisters, they would make that happen. So there they were, taking their shoes off and headed to an area in the house to teach me all of what I had feared and avoided for all 18 years of my life, as a resident of Saint George Utah, a place where a lot, and I mean a LOT of Mormons reside. 

I do not remember much about those lessons, but I do remember that praying in front of ANYBODY scared me more than half to death. So we played the “Nose Goes” game. And I was sure to always hold my finger on my nose, not allowing myself to be chosen to say the prayer. Through all of what I learned, the one thing that sticks out in my memory is how much I LOVED these boys, how much I missed them when our lessons were a few days apart—and how happy I always was to see them, and learn from them. I look back on the memory of having my missionary discussions, and it brings tears to my eyes. Tears to my eyes because describing the happiest time and memories in my entire life, would go straight back to the very moments that the Elders taught me about the gospel of Jesus Christ, what it meant to be a Mormon, and how to be a Mormon. 

There were only a select few that I shared the news of my baptism with. And those people came. Supported and loved. How thankful I am for that day. 

Think about your most sacred, spiritual and happiest moment. The moment that changed your life for the better. 

This moment happens to be the moment that I was confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The thought of getting up in front of an entire congregation of members, that had grown up in this church, to sit down and be blessed, to be confirmed a member of the church—that thought alone could have killed me. I made my way to the chair, sat down and felt the hands come upon the top of my head. Let me just say, that the Holy Ghost has never felt so strong to me, until and since that very day. I remember sitting there, for what felt like years. Feeling like a warm wave had hit and tipped me into the warm water. I felt as if Clouds were brushing my skin with the softness and fluff of their being. I felt as if a rush of complete peace had taken over my body. Never in my life have I felt more calm and peaceful. I got up out of the chair, so overwhelmed with how strongly I had just felt God that I almost passed out. Hot, sweaty and balling my eyes out. I was now a member of Jesus Christ’s church. 

Three years have passed since all of these flash backs. THREE entire years. Can you believe that?

During these three years, I have experienced excruciating heart break. Heart break that has come from many directions and people. Heart break that includes being the only member in my family, heart break that involves being bullied for the choice to me a member, heart break that comes from feeling alone in this fight, and heart break that occurs when you feel like giving up on something that you love so much, because of how much pain and distance it causes within certain relationships within your life. 

Do you know the best part though??

Heart break. That is nowhere near the only thing that has come out of this. You cannot know the happiness that has come of this until you experience it for yourself. There are no words. Zero. To describe the happiness, the comfort, the absolutely floating on air and life because of Jesus the Christ and my Heavenly Father physically, emotionally and mentally picking me up. When I feel sad and go through trials of life, I still feel them near me. I still feel the love that they surround me with. And that is hands down my favorite part about this journey. 

There are many days, moments and circumstances that make me feel inadequate. Like I know less than those around me, as if I will never be as knowledgeable and that I will never understand the doctrine like those around me. There are moments when I fear, absolutely agonizing fear, to share, to read, to pray or to speak.. Because of those inadequate feelings. And I’m sure that those moments of feeling this way, will never go away, that some way, sometimes, they will always be upon my shoulder. But I have learned, that nobody else, other than my very self, cares as much as I do. I am the only one criticizing and putting myself down for these very reasons.  

Three years isn’t long enough to have become a scholar. (Although I wish I could be a scholar on all things Christ --- he is my favorite topic to learn about) I am no scholar, I still do not understand all of the strange phrases in the scriptures; why do we need to say “thy, yea and yee” ?? and the names of the places, and people, why are those so difficult? But the one thing that I do completely understand, and the only thing that fills my heart to its fullest capacity, is that Christ lives, he lives each day, for me specifically. Not only does he live, but he died for me. And as he died, he thought of me. My name. HIS BLOOD was shed for ME. HIS BLOOD – for ME. His very drops of blood, spelled my name. I know that each moment, each second that passes; I am never alone. For he is near, and he will always lift me. I know that when I am weak, he is strong. When I am sad, he is comforting. When I am anxious, he is my peace. I know that he lives to fill my heart with the greatest happiness that has ever been felt. 

To those of you struggling with being a new convert, please know, that you are not alone. That you are loved, and that giving up is not worth it. That fighting WITH CHRIST BY YOUR SIDE is worth every ache that your heart is feeling. I love you, God Loves you and Christ our redeemer loves you. 

xoxoxo