the boy who became my angel

That precious precious boy.

Nothing prepares you for a heartbreak like this--
all those high school breakups,
all those college breakups,
nothing quite prepares.

I sit here with tears filling my eyes,

with a sharp pain in my heart --
an overwhelming longing for Landon
I can't quite express the feelings running through my chest.

a whole lot of overwhelming happiness in my heart

with a slight urge to laugh and smile because of the memories I have of Landon.

My heart is aching

but every time reality hits me in the face,

reminding me of the truth,

Tears and pain aren't the only things I feel.

I begin to get giddy, to laugh, giggle and smile.

I have so many fond memories of and with Landon.

my question is this--

how does ONE human being impact my life so much?

your answer is--

because it was

Landon Lowry
one of the kindest, humblest, smart, funny and overall loving
human beings I have ever had the privilege to cross paths with.

I've been able to go back and look at photos of Landon,
each time I do so, all I can think is "I'm so in love with that Smile."
There is literally nothing greater than the smile of Landon Lowry. Nothing that could possibly make you feel warmer, more comfortable and just genuinely happy. There's just nothing quite like his smile. It's the kind of smile you just have to continue looking at, staring. I could be feeling so many things, but in the moment I see Landon's smile,
I get so lost in it.

I've been trying to smile more because of Landon.
although I just want to cry lately,
I smile my way through the day,
to strangers, to friends.
it's definitely not as great as Landon's smile;
but I'm trying to make up for the world Landon no longer smiles in.

Since 07/10/2017 at 11 AM

i can't quit replying every moment, conversation, every memory,

hug, kiss, text message, snapchat, Facebook message

laugh, and cry that we ever shared. 

On December 9, 2016

I met Landon Lowry.

At a concert with mutual friends.

After the concert, all 6 of us friends went and got Wendy's chicken nuggets.

Landon drove us all in his truck.

In that moment, that night 

I never imagined our friendship to go in the direction that it did.

January 28, 2017

Landon's Birthday-- 

Lance, Landon's brother posted a photo of the two of them on Facebook with a happy birthday message for his sweet younger brother Landon. I had known Lance for almost two years now. I commented on the photo of the two boys, "cuties." 

come to find out later --- 

Lance had texted Landon telling him that I had commented on the photo and that he should go ahead and message me on Facebook. Not even twenty minutes after commenting on the photo, I had a nice message that read "Well hey there Concert Buddy ;)" in my inbox.

Landon and I went on our first date on 02/14/2017.

The night continues on forever. We both wanted all the time we could get with one another. We ended up taking a drive up Provo canyon, we found some random chickens, and anybody who knows Landon, knows that animals were his life calling. We spend an hour just watching these baby chickens inside of an incubator. I can stlll see his smile. He was so happy staring at those small baby chickens. He adored them.

I'll spare all of the intimate details,

because they're now just my own personal and sacred memories of Lando.

But Landon and I only briefly dated.
I had the opportunity to call Landon Lowry my boyfriend.

But those few weeks of dating that special boy, will forever be engraved on my heart.

I wanted to share some of my memories of Landon.

Because I cannot bear the thought of ever forgetting them

One night Landon and I had been sitting on the couch talking and asking each other questions-

I asked Landon: "Do you know what my favorite thing about you is?"

Landon quickly replied with one of the biggest grins I had ever seen--
"My thick ass."

I looked at Landon, trying to decide whether it was a joke or not; because he wasn't even laughing..

 And in the moment I looked at his, he began laughing harder than I had ever seen him laugh.

Actually harder than I had ever seen anybody laugh.

After that, I made a note in my phone titled 'Landon's Words'

that contained many funny and random things Landon had say.

After about a week of dating Landon and I some how ended up on a four hour car ride with my parents down to Saint George for the weekend. The entire ride down, Landon and I played Zombieville USA together. We laughed and ate Cheetos. 

During our time in Saint George, Landon and I found ourselves at a 'dating' conference.

We were there to support some of Landon's good friends.

Landon and I sat in the very front row --  front and center. 

Towards the end of the conference, we each had to go around the room and state our name. Landon told the room his name, and next it was my turn. I told them my name and then the speaker turned to Landon and asks him "is this your wife?" I don't remember his response, but he handled it so smoothly. Even though I was mortified inside; it some how was comforting having Landon in the situation with me. Anybody else and I would have been completely embarrassed.

Landon and I walked down Saint George Main Street, going into every antique shop we could find,
this is something that Landon loved so much. We spent ours looking at turquoise rings in an old Indian shop. Turquoise rings were something we were both very fond of. As we walked through the store, slow in pace, enjoying the vibe that the store was providing, I turned back to look at Landon, in that moment, he looked back up at me - he was passing a table that held a glass vase. As he passed this, his leg brushed it and it went flying. It felt as if it was all just slow motion, we both went running to try and catch it, but it shattered into a million pieces instead. As we both panicked, we looked at the price tag, and Landon's face got dim as he announced.. that was 220$. The owners came rushing over, as we both insisted on paying for the vase, and to clean the mess up.. They told us that it wasn't necessary, and that it was their fault, and they take the chance of that when putting something like that in the store. They commented on Landon's kindness and expressed gratitude towards him for that. We sat and talked to these people, got to know them-- just like Landon always did. I didn't know Landon as a shy or embarrassed kind of person, but this was the one and only time that I ever saw Landon Embarrassed. He was shaking and couldn't stop thinking about it the entire time we spent in the store. He wanted so badly to leave the store, and I swear to you, his face was red for a few hours.

I remember going to Nelsons frozen custard before leaving Saint George that weekend.
I remember waiting in a long line, but something sparked both Landon and I.
As friends and strangers were crowding us in this line,
we both began to dance with each other.

On the car ride home from Saint George, Landon drove as I sat in the passenger seat. His two friends in the back seat. We got half way before stopping at Costa Vida for dinner. When we got back into the car for the rest of the drive, Landon put his screamo music on, and every one of us in the car complained until he changed it. He brought me straight home that night, and walked me to my door.

It was when we got back from Saint George and up to my door that Landon told me he loved me for the very first time.
I knew that I loved him then,
but I didn't know how much my love for him would grow.
Landon and I fought through things together,
and loved one another through flaws.
Thinking about him now,
HOLY COW I love that boy. I love Landon so much.

Landon drove me up the canyon while it was snowing one night, he made me get out of the truck, in the freezing snow, and made me walk through it in sweat pants and a shirt just so he could show me his favorite hiding spot. Where he enjoyed going to think, to see nature and animals. I loved the way he loved certain things. He just had a heart full of love.

Landon loved so much the little market near BYU campus. He made me walk there with him multiple times. One time in the pouring rain in the middle of winter. I guess if I knew what I know now, I wouldn't have complained so much. We bought stuff for dinner one night from the market, and when we got home, the chicken we had purchased was rotten. I don't remember what we ended up eating, but I remember doing the dishes together, and then while he played the piano, i sat by the fireplace.

Landon and I loved to make stir fry together. 

He was so into and excited about using spices and trying new flavors, even when all I wanted was a normal stir fry. He never made a bad choice though.

I have so many fond memories with Landon--
And I pray that they never leave me.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurting, if I said that I wasn't lost and confused.
I'm afraid that I've lost Landon.

Landon taught me many things,

and honestly-- 

my heart feels like it has been shattered into a million pieces.

I feel as if it has a deep dark hole,

a sharp ache. 

it takes my breath away to think that Landon is no longer here with me on Earth--

but not the good kind of take your breath away.

Just a suffocating feeling.

I don't have the chance to text, call, speak, hug, laugh or cry with Landon anymore.

I know Landon is happier.

I know Landon is healthier.

I know I will see Landon again.

I know I will embrace him --

One thing my bishop told me :

Jesus Christ heals.

Let the healed stay healed.

Landon is being healed; and I can't continue dwelling on my pain, and his pain. I need to allow the healed to stay healed.

but in this very moment,

until I heal--

Landon left this Earth,
and although I will some day see him again-

he Left a hole in my heart.

the pain has left me absolutely breathless.

I talked to Landon a week before he became an angel.

I will forever love that boy,

forever love what he taught me,

and forever have his precious smile in my mind.

I miss him

greatly and deeply.
But I am so grateful for the time that Landon and I did have together,
I am grateful for the memories that were made,
that I had the opportunity to meet him, 

I'll be okay.

until next time,
my sweet Landon.